ATLAST!!!!!!

I have got back on track! Yay! Go me! A few things have happened that has turned my thinking around. The biggest I think is that I've forgiven myself for getting despondent & giving up again. I have had lots of mental challenges lately, some worries with my health but I am feeling much better & more able to get on again. I am also being kind to myself & not tackling exercise just yet as when I don't get round to it I beat myself up. I will try & do eating well over the easter break & then when the kids go back to school try to up the exercise again. Of course during the school break I will not be a couch potato as my life is too busy for that, I just won't be doing anything 'formal'.
The other thing that has really encouraged me is that we are just about to book a holiday for July, this will be a sun holiday, Ibiza we think & we are only taking our youngest child with us. My mum will be minding our kids that are school age. We are going with friends who have a baby. My friend is much slimmer than me despite having a young baby so I am hoping for some motivation there. We have a family holday to Malta booked for August too. I have a sun dress hung on my door that I couldn't wear now. I keep looking at it & thinking 'you will fit me!'

Reading someone else's blog has really helped me too, this lady just didn't seem to be getting anywhere, kept having false starts & then all of a sudden she just got going. I am really impressed with her ability to keep going despite the scales not reflecting her effort, she just kept on & she was rewarded at next weigh in. Her weight loss seemed to do what mine does too, get down to an all time low then bounce back up but not as high as previous. I think a graph would help to motivate when this happens as I would still be able to see a downward trend.

I also just feel much better in myself, less tired, less down & more wanting to keep up with life. Long may it continue!!!

I have eaten much better the last few days, haven't comfort eaten at all. I have also drastically reduced my snacks which is one of my biggest problems. Anyway enough for now, got loads to do so will stop beating about the bush & get on!

Cheerio for now blogland, Milly

Trundling along

We have just got back from a weekend away to a wedding. It was a great day & I really enjoyed spending time with my family. I felt shocking though, my dress was too tight & my shoes hurt. I had a real major wobble when the dancing had just started, I was dancing with my 6 yr old when my 10 yr old calmly informs me that my bum sticks out loads in that dress. Now I have always had a large derriere & have hyperlordosis of my spine ( sticky out bum!) I went & sat down at the end of the record, my kind hubby told me he had told son not to tell me. I was rather hoping for 'you look fine'-but no! Just that he shouldn't of told me! Well it could of gone either way, I very nearly sat down for the rest of the night, hiding offending backside under the table, I got back up instead & went back to dance - lots! Ended up having a great time, danced with my kids & sister loads so much so that my knees are hurting today. I have to stop caring about my big backside & other peoples perceptions of me or I will never get anywhere. I would have danced till the end I think but we had to leave as my youngest got overtired & needed her bed.

I am back home now, catching up with everyones blogs. Something Lesley said about having faith that her body can do this really struck a chord with me. That is something I don't have, I don't have faith in my body at all. It just wants to get fatter & more immobile I think. I seem to be giving up at the first hurdle lately when I really need to persevere & push through that time when my body is screaming Noooo! give me it back! I am still having some health issues, have just started taking iron, I am hoping once that kicks in if I am not so tired all the time I will be able to do a bit more exercise without having to push myself to my limits all the time.

I must also stop being so hard on myself, I am definately my harshest critic ( except maybe my 10 yr old son lol!) I have been mean to myself for having setbacks & telling myself it's just because I am so overweight that I am tired all the time, turns out my iron stores are in my boots so there really isn't any wonder that I am a bit shattered. I have done this to myself many times before When I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism in 2004 I had been very unkind to myself, I thought I just needed to kick myself up the bum & stop moaning. My fourth ghild was 6 mths old & I thought it was just because 4 children was too much for me. Now I can look back & acknowledge that actually I did really well to keep going, I continued breastfeeding my baby despite feeling exhausted all the time & My levels were off the scale for one of the measurements. I think I maybe just expect too much of myself. I often wonder what would happen if I just gave up trying to lose weight for a year or so, maybe it would stop the negative cycle I seem to be in. I am always so worried that I will pile loads on though & as I struggle to lose, it will just make matters a whole lot worse. I don't want miracles but would of liked to be a dress size less by summer. That feels a bit impossible right now.

Oh my! What a dreary complaining post! I will stop whinging & get on with my day.
Cheerio for now.

Monday again!

I am still here, still struggling to get back on track properly, just coasting along, not overeating, just maintaining. A bit worried about my dress on Saturday but that's what scary pants are for! My exercise is a bit of a non starter too, my son waved my running water bottle at me tonight & asked me when am I going to start. Well not today as I have a stinky cold & feel very wussy. Last week ended up being a good walking week, covered plenty of miles. Ww was a bit disheartening, +2lbs, but never mind, downwards & onwards. I will stop being so hard on myself.

Back on track- at last!

I am back baby! I think I lost the plot for about 10 days in total. It wasn't as bad as it could have been but I'm sure I have slipped back down the snake of weight loss a fair bit. I haven't weighed myself since last week- being an ostrich- I will stay off the scales till thursday, I will probably of undone some of the damage by then so it won't be quite as soul destroying.
We have a family wedding in 12 days eek! My dress is a bit too snug so I am just going for it not being too tight & my belly not being so bloated.

I have had a good exercise day today, I have done 2 school runs & really pushed myself. I have also scrubbed our kitchen floor with a scrubbing brush which was hard work & had me puffed out. I wanted to start my running training tonight but feel quite shattered with a sore knee. I have put it off until tomorrow atleast. I need to learn to pace myself as my other half has informed me. I do tend to start a fresh & really go for it then get up the next day exhausted! I will see how I feel tomorrow. Adios!

Still Failing!

I am still doing what I do, I am overeating, not massively so (I never do that really) just not making good choices & having no willpower, when a friend suggests we have fish & chips for lunch- I didn't even miss a beat before I replied 'go on then'. My weight is up by about 2 lbs. We are at a family wedding in 2 weeks & I really need a few days on track to fit into my dress with more comfort. I also hate to think of all my relatives discussing how big I have become behind my back.

I have had a very stressful week with some health worries & investigations, I have been unable to focus properly & when I am distracted I eat!

Next week WILL be different however.

Fail!

I have just done a demonstration of what I do! Over the past couple of weeks I have followed my usual pattern & reacted just how I normally do. Have I not learnt anything?

It goes like this:- New start, feeling motivated, feeling healthy, craving healthy foods, wanting to exercise. Sticking to my plan, result-scales go down-I feel like I am getting there. I continue to try, not quite as stellar as before but still much better that previous & I see an increase on the scales. My response- to throw a hissy fit & stamp my feet, eat everything I shouldn't & stop journaling my eating habits/ exercise & in this case blogging. I am effectively burying my head in the sand & throwing my toys out of the pram. The effect is ofcourse more gain so I feel totally despondent. Now if my initial response had been 'it's just fluid, if I stick with it the lbs will be gone in a couple of days & take some of their mates with them' I would probably a couple of lbs down now. Why oh why do I do this to myself, I even see it coming.

Anyway, to be more postive, I maybe have learnt something. I may have gone of track but not in an 'eat my own body weight in crisps' kind of way. Just a few(sometimes 10) extra points a day (for 4 days) & an inrease in unhealthy foods & a decrease in the good stuff. I have also accepted that this isn't this isn't going to happen unless I up my exercise so I have walked about 5 miles today & aim to do at least 3 tomorrow. So despite my achy hip I feel good tonight & ready to have another new start!

Here's to New starts!

yuk!

Not a happy bunny today, I have gained 1 lb at ww & I really shouldn't have. I have had a good week, eaten well, only had very limited bread, had 1 packet of crisps all week (which was within my points) eaten no biscuits or chocolate & walked a few times & I gain! This is danger zone for me, I need to get through this without throwing a hissy fit & following the thought of 'what's the point' I need to keep on keeping on, not give up at the first hurdle & use this as an opportunity to prove that by sticking to it I will see results next week.
The only explanation I have for this is that it is mid month & I always seem to get a bloated on ovulation day. Yesterday I was feeling slimmer, my belly was not as bloated. Today I still feel slimmer but I got up with a very bloated belly.

I have a very busy sociable weekend coming up, not the best to have a good week! I will keep on keeping on though, try to increase my exercise & up my fruit & veg as that hasn't been quite as good as last week.

A plus point today:- 3 weeks ago I bought myself a sweater from Asda, I tried it on & was gutted that it was very snug & clearly displayed a spare tyre sat on the top of my trousers, it went straight back in the bag to be returned. Well it got as far as the car but I forgot to take it into Asda. Sweater has sat in the car since then, well I got it out today & tried it again & it fitted! Not loose but wearable. Also my husband has noticed that my butt is shrinking, so there is some good in my weight loss pursuits.

Reasons

I wanted to post my reasons for this blubber busting journey so I can look back & remind myself what this is all about if I feel myself slipping back into blubber land. So here goes:-

1. My health - I have niggly problems with my joints (hips & knees) that I think would improve if I wasn't so overweight. I know having a BMI over 30 puts me at an increased risk of a whole shed load of nasty diseases, my BMI is currently 32.3. (I know that a BMI of over 25 increases the risk but I am taking baby steps here)

2. My self esteem - I feel old & frumpy, I cannot wear the clothes I want to wear & often feel judged because of my size ( I am aware that this is probably a load of rubbish). I want to be able to wear more fashionable clothes without discomfort & feeling gross & not be ashamed of my body.

3. My fitness level - I am unfit, I am not happy about that. I want my body to be strong & supple and able to cope with the days challenges without being exhausted. I want to be able to go out for a run.

4. My kids - I want my kids to be proud of me. I have 4 fab sons aged from 16 - 6. I don't want them to be ashamed of me. I have 1 daughter who is 22 mths. I want to stay young enough to play with her at soft play & still look hip & trendy when she is a teenager (not that I do now!!!) I shouldn't base my journey on others but my sister lost 7 stone a few years ago. I have seen how it has transformed her from frumpy to fabulous & I want some of that!

That is all I can think of for now, I may update later if I think of anymore.

On another note, I am still doing well, I am amazing myself as I have usually got despondent by now, I actually did get a bit despondent yesterday as I made the mistake of getting on the scales which said 2 lbs up since saturday, I was gutted as it was only 1 meal that I had gone off track (admittedly a big off track) so I could have gone either way. Part of me was yelling 'what's the point? I can never get anywhere, why am I putting myself through this?' My sane part was answering 'get a grip, what do you expect, just get back on track & you can pull them lbs back' Well on this occasion I listened to the sane response, I stuck with it & dillydallied before getting on the scales this am, should I/ shouldn't I? Well in the end I got on, I was pleased to see I was 1 & 1/2 lb down(that is 1/2lb down from ww on thursday) I need to resolve to stop getting on the blinking scales, they are mean & can make me go off track. So no more scales until thursday & then not again until thursday after. If I stick with this the weight will come off, I will not give my scales the power to knock me off track!!! There that told them!