Enough said :-(
Edited to add, I gained 1lb at ww this evening, it is not as bad as I expected. I weighed again on my own scales before I went & I had lost 1lb since this morning. I think it is fluid retention, probably due to a high salt meal last night. I don't feel as bad as I did. It is 12 days until I go on my holiday, that is enough time to at least lose a couple of lbs & feel alot better about myself.
Cheerio for now. Millyx
Thursday, 24 June 2010
Wednesday, 23 June 2010
Good news 205lbs
What, how? I have got back on track but my exercise is just normal. The only explanation is that my thyroid meds have been upped a bit, I am hoping it is that as that means the weight/fluid will stay off & not just be freak of my scales. (I was 206 yesterday so there is hope) We shall see. It is so hot at the moment that even the walks to school are hard work, I am on antibiotics again (5th time this year) so am not feeling great. I am wanting to comfort eat but I managing to not go mad. I have just put a packet of crisps away that hubby bought me. I will save them as a small treat after ww tomorrow. I love crisps, they are my favourite food! I think it is crisps that are responsible for my weight (or me eating them to be precise) I am trying to limit them, this week I am taking a none at all approach, we go on holiday 2 weeks today & I am trying really hard with my diet till then, I will re evaluate while away as my constant struggling is making me miserable. I may try to maintain for a while until my health issues are sorted, concentrate on feeding my body what it needs to be healthy rather than obsessing about points values.
I'll be back Millyx
I'll be back Millyx
Monday, 21 June 2010
new start again again! 210lbs again
As the title says, today I start again. I am ready to do all the things that make me feel good about myself and fitter. I don't know why I do what I do, I think this time was definately comfort eating due to hubby being away. I also get mad with my body, I think I punish myself with food abit, crooked thinking I know, I think that my body doesn't work properly anyway. I just wish I could punish myself by not giving in to cravings & food desires.
I don't actually struggle that much with cravings, it's definately not physical why I overeat. I also ask myself if I really need the extra food, the answer is always no but I know I will eat it anyway, it is as though I have given up control (rather than lost it)
I will at some point get my head around myself, I need to forgive my body for letting me down & I need to forgive myself for not suceeding in this area of my life. I think my self worth takes a bashing everytime I do this to myself, I end up feeling like such a failure, other people can do this, why can't I?
I am whining again, it's all I seem to do at the moment, it feels self indulgent and I think that is very telling, I have not spent any time/money on myself for years, I am bottom of my own heap but it is me that has put me there, only me can get me out (you see I even think that is too many me's!) me me me! I am trying to be kind to myself, when I am I feel lazy though, there is always so much to do.
I better get going & get on, cheerio blogland, Millyx
I don't actually struggle that much with cravings, it's definately not physical why I overeat. I also ask myself if I really need the extra food, the answer is always no but I know I will eat it anyway, it is as though I have given up control (rather than lost it)
I will at some point get my head around myself, I need to forgive my body for letting me down & I need to forgive myself for not suceeding in this area of my life. I think my self worth takes a bashing everytime I do this to myself, I end up feeling like such a failure, other people can do this, why can't I?
I am whining again, it's all I seem to do at the moment, it feels self indulgent and I think that is very telling, I have not spent any time/money on myself for years, I am bottom of my own heap but it is me that has put me there, only me can get me out (you see I even think that is too many me's!) me me me! I am trying to be kind to myself, when I am I feel lazy though, there is always so much to do.
I better get going & get on, cheerio blogland, Millyx
Tuesday, 15 June 2010
Plodding
Not going up, not going down. Been back to GP today & my weight is the same as last mth. I haven't taken any more orlistat, I don't want palpitations again & it just seems wrong to me, don't know why. It gave me a horrible taste in my mouth (literally)
I am slipping back into bad habits at the moment a bit, I saw a disturbing photo of myself on facebook which instead of spurring me on made me think 'why do I bother?' I showed it to my mum who reassured me I am not actually that big, that does mean something to me as after me she is my harshest critic. We were chatting about my weight a few days ago, I commented that I was overweight in my late teens, my mum told me I wasn't, I spluttered abit & managed to hold back my retort of 'well why did you tell me I was then?' (at the time) My mum has said some very cruel things to me over the years, I 100% don't think she means it, I certainly don't think she knows I remember it. I actually find this aspect of self image very difficult because I find it hard to know what is actually true, on some photos I look ok, on others I look huge. Some friends tell me I look great (my hubby does too) my family tell me a different story. My sister was overweight for a long time & about 5 years ago lost 7 stone, she loosely followed ww, drank lots of coffee & started smoking again. She has managed to keep 6 stone off, she daren't stop smoking. She tells me it's so easy, she looks at me like I have so little self control & tells me to have an apple if I am hungry. Sometimes she makes me want to spit!!! She does look ab fab though. One day I will look that good again, I just can't really see it happening any time soon .
My hubby is away this week, I never know how I will react to him not being here till he goes. This time in my way back from dropping him at the station I stopped at the shop, I questioned myself, I knew that I didn't need food, but I did it anyway, a crunchie & big bag of revels all for me, I didn't share with the kids, I was greedy. I know I really wanted a hug from my hubby & him not to go away, I need to learn to deal. I don't do this very often, tiredness is usually a big factor for me.
I don't think many people read my blog and that is actually fine by me as all I seem to do is moan! I am actually much more positive IRL, I think my blog just gets all the dross, it is not what I imagined, I thought it would be interesting but it is just me venting, maybe over time I will learn and see patterns from my moaning. I still write in my journal, especially when I am doing well lol, haven't actually penned a word since friday so that demonstrates where I am right now, slippery slope comes to mind, with no real inclination to step off it, I know I could get off it if I wanted to but I don't think I do right now, I am wallowing I know, having a bit of a pity party. I need to get a grip, see the bigger picture & accept that this is me now.
That is very telling, THIS IS ME NOW, I am different to how I was 6 years ago, I just need to accept this, adjust my intake & output accordingly & then get on with mt life. 6 years ago, after the birth of my 4th baby I became unwell & was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I actually felt such relief when I was diagnosed, I wasn't going mad. I thought that once on thyroxine all would be fine, I immediately felt better, my dose was slowly increased & I started to feel 'fairly' well again, well 6 years on it seems that is as good as it got. I am different, I don't cope with stress like I did before. I have gradually gained 3 stone, despite my bloods suggesting that I am on an appropriate dose. My last pregnancy made no difference to my weight problem, I actually felt better during pregnancy than usual. I also have periods of 'mild' depression now, if I don't get out and walk school runs I get very low, I then eat more & move less. I have so far avoided anti depressants, when I look back I am not actually sure how. A good friend has helped me through alot, she has since admitted that maybe she was misguided (after a period of difficulty herself) I don't think she was, I am grateful to her, she wouldn't let me give in to what was trying to consume me (out of ignorance on her part) so I learnt different coping mechanisms. I learnt that I need to get out & get some exercise everyday, I learnt that I really need to eat well, if I eat rubbish I feel rubbish. I learnt not to get overwhelmed by my bad days & my struggles at pmt time, there is always tomorrow and it will be better. It usually is better, I don't stay down for long. I still haven't really forgiven my body for letting me down, I need to do that. I am different now, but out of it all I am probably stronger, not better but stronger. I have picked myself up & dusted myself down so many times, I am still doing it. Different issues this time but still having to be resilient, no one on the outside looking in would know. I often wonder does everyone struggle as much as me? I think thats when my pity party starts. I just want a bit of a break, health wise, financial, a bit of 'luck' would be good. I also wonder if it is just an age thing, I am 40 this year, it seems harder to get myself going & heading towards fittness, my strength is currently very poor (especially upper body) I don't know how to stay positive, I think thats what goes wrong, I lose my optimism, I get tired of battling with my body & brain all the time, I get so lost & forget to take 'one day at time' I try so hard and seem to get nowhere, but I actually do maintain & slowly I am creeping down. When I finally get there & I can say I got there 'one day at a time' I needn't mention that it took me about 10 years need I? xxxxx
Once again, sorry for the moaning, I am learning as I type, I have realised I have not truly accepted my hypothyroidism & the changes that has happened to my health & my life(another story) I really need to do that - not sure how right now -but where there's a will there's a way. Millyxxxx
I am slipping back into bad habits at the moment a bit, I saw a disturbing photo of myself on facebook which instead of spurring me on made me think 'why do I bother?' I showed it to my mum who reassured me I am not actually that big, that does mean something to me as after me she is my harshest critic. We were chatting about my weight a few days ago, I commented that I was overweight in my late teens, my mum told me I wasn't, I spluttered abit & managed to hold back my retort of 'well why did you tell me I was then?' (at the time) My mum has said some very cruel things to me over the years, I 100% don't think she means it, I certainly don't think she knows I remember it. I actually find this aspect of self image very difficult because I find it hard to know what is actually true, on some photos I look ok, on others I look huge. Some friends tell me I look great (my hubby does too) my family tell me a different story. My sister was overweight for a long time & about 5 years ago lost 7 stone, she loosely followed ww, drank lots of coffee & started smoking again. She has managed to keep 6 stone off, she daren't stop smoking. She tells me it's so easy, she looks at me like I have so little self control & tells me to have an apple if I am hungry. Sometimes she makes me want to spit!!! She does look ab fab though. One day I will look that good again, I just can't really see it happening any time soon .
My hubby is away this week, I never know how I will react to him not being here till he goes. This time in my way back from dropping him at the station I stopped at the shop, I questioned myself, I knew that I didn't need food, but I did it anyway, a crunchie & big bag of revels all for me, I didn't share with the kids, I was greedy. I know I really wanted a hug from my hubby & him not to go away, I need to learn to deal. I don't do this very often, tiredness is usually a big factor for me.
I don't think many people read my blog and that is actually fine by me as all I seem to do is moan! I am actually much more positive IRL, I think my blog just gets all the dross, it is not what I imagined, I thought it would be interesting but it is just me venting, maybe over time I will learn and see patterns from my moaning. I still write in my journal, especially when I am doing well lol, haven't actually penned a word since friday so that demonstrates where I am right now, slippery slope comes to mind, with no real inclination to step off it, I know I could get off it if I wanted to but I don't think I do right now, I am wallowing I know, having a bit of a pity party. I need to get a grip, see the bigger picture & accept that this is me now.
That is very telling, THIS IS ME NOW, I am different to how I was 6 years ago, I just need to accept this, adjust my intake & output accordingly & then get on with mt life. 6 years ago, after the birth of my 4th baby I became unwell & was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I actually felt such relief when I was diagnosed, I wasn't going mad. I thought that once on thyroxine all would be fine, I immediately felt better, my dose was slowly increased & I started to feel 'fairly' well again, well 6 years on it seems that is as good as it got. I am different, I don't cope with stress like I did before. I have gradually gained 3 stone, despite my bloods suggesting that I am on an appropriate dose. My last pregnancy made no difference to my weight problem, I actually felt better during pregnancy than usual. I also have periods of 'mild' depression now, if I don't get out and walk school runs I get very low, I then eat more & move less. I have so far avoided anti depressants, when I look back I am not actually sure how. A good friend has helped me through alot, she has since admitted that maybe she was misguided (after a period of difficulty herself) I don't think she was, I am grateful to her, she wouldn't let me give in to what was trying to consume me (out of ignorance on her part) so I learnt different coping mechanisms. I learnt that I need to get out & get some exercise everyday, I learnt that I really need to eat well, if I eat rubbish I feel rubbish. I learnt not to get overwhelmed by my bad days & my struggles at pmt time, there is always tomorrow and it will be better. It usually is better, I don't stay down for long. I still haven't really forgiven my body for letting me down, I need to do that. I am different now, but out of it all I am probably stronger, not better but stronger. I have picked myself up & dusted myself down so many times, I am still doing it. Different issues this time but still having to be resilient, no one on the outside looking in would know. I often wonder does everyone struggle as much as me? I think thats when my pity party starts. I just want a bit of a break, health wise, financial, a bit of 'luck' would be good. I also wonder if it is just an age thing, I am 40 this year, it seems harder to get myself going & heading towards fittness, my strength is currently very poor (especially upper body) I don't know how to stay positive, I think thats what goes wrong, I lose my optimism, I get tired of battling with my body & brain all the time, I get so lost & forget to take 'one day at time' I try so hard and seem to get nowhere, but I actually do maintain & slowly I am creeping down. When I finally get there & I can say I got there 'one day at a time' I needn't mention that it took me about 10 years need I? xxxxx
Once again, sorry for the moaning, I am learning as I type, I have realised I have not truly accepted my hypothyroidism & the changes that has happened to my health & my life(another story) I really need to do that - not sure how right now -but where there's a will there's a way. Millyxxxx
Thursday, 3 June 2010
Gutted!
WW tonight was very depressing, I have gained 2 & 1/2 lbs in 1 week, it took me 4 weeks to lose them. I am not impressed. I did deserve to gain, my eating habits have not been good (but I am never actually that bad), my exercise has been minimal, not even any school runs as it's half term. However when I am very good I don't get what I deserve. I did used to be a slow gainer aswell as a slow loser, now I am just a slow loser. I also have totm coming up next week so it will be harder as even on a good week I usually gain 1/2. My loss since last november is back down to 5 & 1/2 (was up to 8).
I haven't taken any more orlistat but intend to try again when I am back on track, need to shop for good food tomorrow. We are down to basics, I should be ok to start the orlistat tomorrow, just worried that I will eat too much fat & suffer the consequences.
Anyway enough whinging, I will be back soon with a half full cup, cheerio, Millyx
I haven't taken any more orlistat but intend to try again when I am back on track, need to shop for good food tomorrow. We are down to basics, I should be ok to start the orlistat tomorrow, just worried that I will eat too much fat & suffer the consequences.
Anyway enough whinging, I will be back soon with a half full cup, cheerio, Millyx
Tuesday, 1 June 2010
Tired
I am seriously struggling, I just feel so shattered at the moment, I am eating all the wrong things. Felt very low this am, got on the dreaded scales & Iam up 3lbs in 5 days. It has just taken me 4 weeks to lose those 3lbs, I let up for a long weekend & BAM! all back on. It feels real too, I feel as though I have swelled up. It is not totm so I can't blame that, just too much food & wine and not enough movement. I will try to get back on track again tomorrow. I was supposed to be walking tonight but I just feel too tired, I/we have been out/worked every night for nearly 2 weeks & I just can't hack the pace. Our last pup of the litter finally left yesterday and I feel as though I can relax at last, it has been a long slog his time, 14 weeks. The house seems quieter now, the kids had started to get attached to him as he was part of the family for the last few weeks, as his litter mates had gone, still he has gone to a lovely home & I really don't need anymore dogs right now!
Staying in to watch a movie with my hubby tonight then onwards & downwards tomorrow.
Milly x
Staying in to watch a movie with my hubby tonight then onwards & downwards tomorrow.
Milly x
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