Plodding

Not going up, not going down. Been back to GP today & my weight is the same as last mth. I haven't taken any more orlistat, I don't want palpitations again & it just seems wrong to me, don't know why. It gave me a horrible taste in my mouth (literally)

I am slipping back into bad habits at the moment a bit, I saw a disturbing photo of myself on facebook which instead of spurring me on made me think 'why do I bother?' I showed it to my mum who reassured me I am not actually that big, that does mean something to me as after me she is my harshest critic. We were chatting about my weight a few days ago, I commented that I was overweight in my late teens, my mum told me I wasn't, I spluttered abit & managed to hold back my retort of 'well why did you tell me I was then?' (at the time) My mum has said some very cruel things to me over the years, I 100% don't think she means it, I certainly don't think she knows I remember it. I actually find this aspect of self image very difficult because I find it hard to know what is actually true, on some photos I look ok, on others I look huge. Some friends tell me I look great (my hubby does too) my family tell me a different story. My sister was overweight for a long time & about 5 years ago lost 7 stone, she loosely followed ww, drank lots of coffee & started smoking again. She has managed to keep 6 stone off, she daren't stop smoking. She tells me it's so easy, she looks at me like I have so little self control & tells me to have an apple if I am hungry. Sometimes she makes me want to spit!!! She does look ab fab though. One day I will look that good again, I just can't really see it happening any time soon .

My hubby is away this week, I never know how I will react to him not being here till he goes. This time in my way back from dropping him at the station I stopped at the shop, I questioned myself, I knew that I didn't need food, but I did it anyway, a crunchie & big bag of revels all for me, I didn't share with the kids, I was greedy. I know I really wanted a hug from my hubby & him not to go away, I need to learn to deal. I don't do this very often, tiredness is usually a big factor for me.

I don't think many people read my blog and that is actually fine by me as all I seem to do is moan! I am actually much more positive IRL, I think my blog just gets all the dross, it is not what I imagined, I thought it would be interesting but it is just me venting, maybe over time I will learn and see patterns from my moaning. I still write in my journal, especially when I am doing well lol, haven't actually penned a word since friday so that demonstrates where I am right now, slippery slope comes to mind, with no real inclination to step off it, I know I could get off it if I wanted to but I don't think I do right now, I am wallowing I know, having a bit of a pity party. I need to get a grip, see the bigger picture & accept that this is me now.

That is very telling, THIS IS ME NOW, I am different to how I was 6 years ago, I just need to accept this, adjust my intake & output accordingly & then get on with mt life. 6 years ago, after the birth of my 4th baby I became unwell & was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I actually felt such relief when I was diagnosed, I wasn't going mad. I thought that once on thyroxine all would be fine, I immediately felt better, my dose was slowly increased & I started to feel 'fairly' well again, well 6 years on it seems that is as good as it got. I am different, I don't cope with stress like I did before. I have gradually gained 3 stone, despite my bloods suggesting that I am on an appropriate dose. My last pregnancy made no difference to my weight problem, I actually felt better during pregnancy than usual. I also have periods of 'mild' depression now, if I don't get out and walk school runs I get very low, I then eat more & move less. I have so far avoided anti depressants, when I look back I am not actually sure how. A good friend has helped me through alot, she has since admitted that maybe she was misguided (after a period of difficulty herself) I don't think she was, I am grateful to her, she wouldn't let me give in to what was trying to consume me (out of ignorance on her part) so I learnt different coping mechanisms. I learnt that I need to get out & get some exercise everyday, I learnt that I really need to eat well, if I eat rubbish I feel rubbish. I learnt not to get overwhelmed by my bad days & my struggles at pmt time, there is always tomorrow and it will be better. It usually is better, I don't stay down for long. I still haven't really forgiven my body for letting me down, I need to do that. I am different now, but out of it all I am probably stronger, not better but stronger. I have picked myself up & dusted myself down so many times, I am still doing it. Different issues this time but still having to be resilient, no one on the outside looking in would know. I often wonder does everyone struggle as much as me? I think thats when my pity party starts. I just want a bit of a break, health wise, financial, a bit of 'luck' would be good. I also wonder if it is just an age thing, I am 40 this year, it seems harder to get myself going & heading towards fittness, my strength is currently very poor (especially upper body) I don't know how to stay positive, I think thats what goes wrong, I lose my optimism, I get tired of battling with my body & brain all the time, I get so lost & forget to take 'one day at time' I try so hard and seem to get nowhere, but I actually do maintain & slowly I am creeping down. When I finally get there & I can say I got there 'one day at a time' I needn't mention that it took me about 10 years need I? xxxxx

Once again, sorry for the moaning, I am learning as I type, I have realised I have not truly accepted my hypothyroidism & the changes that has happened to my health & my life(another story) I really need to do that - not sure how right now -but where there's a will there's a way. Millyxxxx