This is it!

And so it has happened again. Great week, 27 miles walked, feeling fitter, feeling slimmer, walking easier already, food has been great, have coped really well, all very good but.......... lost half at ww, but this is it, I 'know' that if I manage to not lose the plot & spit my dummy out that I will see results next week. It doesn't help me that my walking pals lost 2 +1/2 & 5 lbs. They are both only about 1 stone overweight. This is where I usually get despondent, thinking 'what's the point?' this is why I want to poke my gp in the eye when he tells me 'it's simple-eat less, move more' this is where I want to rant that it's just not fair, why doesn't my body work? but saddest of all to me, this is where I think I will always be fat, that thought makes me want to cry. I know I am doing this right, I know I am not eating hidden calories and I also know that it does work when I stick to it. There are a few explanations for my poor loss 1. it is just after mid month which is a time of fluid retention for me, 2. all the extra walking is building muscle (it has been hard slog!) 3. last nights walk was the 5.5 mile 'biggy' of the week, I have heard a theory that the day after a big workout our muscles retain fluid, cluthing at straws maybe-but if it helps me keep on the straight & narow I will have that one!

If I had posted last night it would have been a totally different post, I was on a high, our walk was fab, we averaged a 14.5 minute mile & that was including our warm up & cool down. The 50 mins when we really went for it were fast. We walked with a couple of friends who have been doing this circuit for 6 mths, it was hard to keep up with them but we did it (one friend did lag behind but not me,)I even managed a short run & seemed to have a spring in my step. I have noticed that I am much more energetic & my knees don't seem to be as painful when walking downstairs & this difference is exactly 1 week since the 1st longer walk we did. This fills me with optimism that my measly 1/2lb weight loss is not stealing. I just need to see this journey I am on as a long comfortable walk rather than a sprint. I have to commit to the long haul. I think I am a long haul kind of person, I must remember when I am struggling that my friends who lose so much easier than me also seem to gain at the same speed, I am slower to lose than I am to gain but I think that is true for everyone. I am sure that nobody finds it easy, there just wouldn't be any overweight people in the world if it was that easy.

Well that's all for now, I will be back with an update soon. x

Still walking

Have done 3 more shorter extra walks since last thursday, all 3.5 miles, all hard work but I feel so much better for them. I really thought the lactic acid would have got to me after the first walk as I ached as soon as I got home. I stretched once I got in & then had a bath & suffered only mild stiffness the next day. I always thought I was 'walking fit' but I am struggling to keep up with my friend. I have lots of stamina though so it is a good workout because I have to push myself so hard to keep up. I am sure it is her flashy new reebok trainers that are propelling her forward lol. My next big wak will be Wednesday evening & we are doing the 5.5 mile again, hopefully I will find it easier.

Fail-with a difference!

I think I have been setting my sights too high! I 'aim to do so much in a week then feel despodent when I don't achieve the goals I have set. Well this week I decided I would take it steady & just walk the school runs-until yesterday, I suggested to some friends that we try to fit in an evening walk. Off we went with the choice of a 3.5 mile route or 5.5 mile. I set off with the full intention of only doing the 3.5mile circuit. Once we got going though & we got to the decision point I said 'go on then' & we did the 5.5. I even suggested some lampost to lampost interval training to get our heartrates up a bit. So yesterday walked a total of 8.5 miles. My weekly total so far is 14.5 miles walked.

Twas ww tonight & I managed to lose 1lb this week. I am still a few above what I was a mth or so ago but I am not panicking as I feel on my way. The weather is really helping, getting out & about is so much easier when the sun is shining.

I am currently feeling like I don't need orlistat or that it won't make that much difference but I will see nearer the time.

It is my daughters 2nd birthday this weekend & i am both happy & sad, she is definately my last child & she has brought so much joy & happiness with her & I feel truly blessed to be her Mummy. We will celebrate but for me it is tinged with sadness as I feel I am waving goodbye to baby days. It is about time really as our eldest is nearly 17 but it is a journey I have thoroughly enjoyed ( not that it is stopping- but the dependence on me is waning) Hubby & I are ready to move on to the next phase in our life & I am sure I will adjust admirably, it's just change, but it s change that I am ready for so I will embrace it. Anyway, I will quit the waffling, & get on with getting on.

Cheerio for now.

Orlistat

I have been to see my GP today about my ongoing health issues, I brought up my weight issues as that is contributing to my problems. Her suggestion is if I can lose at least a kg on my own in the next 4 weeks, she will prescribe orlistat. So now I am torn, I don't really want to resort to medication but I just feel as though I could do with a helping hand. I get stuck before I have got very far & lose heart too easy. I think if I could lose a stone (ish) I would start to feel better about myself & have some self respect. I really don't know whether this is the right thing to do though. I need to break the vicious circle I am in. Today for instance has gone great, eaten well, walked the kids to & from school (c3miles) and been busy, active & productive in the house. The temptation is to keep going & do a bit more but I have promised myself that I will not push myself excessively as I then become exhausted & flop & feel a failure. I have set a target to walk the school runs all week, next week to add in an extra walk or maybe 2. I am shattered tonight as my little girl is still not well so has wanted to be glued to my hip. I have achieved alot considering! If anyone out there has any experience of these meds please chime in, I know about the potential side effects, I think the fear would keep me on the straight & narrow!

Anyway, yesterdays weight was 209lbs so creeping nearer to my under the 200lb goal.

Cheerio for now blogland

210lb!

Starting point is 210lb, I have finally dared to post my weight!!!!!! Well it can only be onwards & downwards from here on, feeling quite relaxed at the moment though-don't know how long that will last. Tomorrow is a new day with a different target, I am on my way!

Better day

Today has been a much better day (than the last couple when I didn't post) it has all been hormonal, I am now able to move on. I just seem to get so stuck when I have pmt. My eating has just been what I would class as normal. I didn't get to ww this week as I have had a poorly toddler who just wanted to sit on my knee, so I don't know where I am ( a few lbs up though I think) My poorly daughter did seem to make my usual pmt issues worse (ofcourse not her herself-just the repercussions of having to hold her all day.) I was nearly going stir crazy by the time yesterday came. I do not do well when I can't get out & walk a bit. I honestly think walking saves my sanity- I don't think I do enough for it to affect my weight but it is far better to be fat & sane than fat & losing the plot!

We have alot of stress going on in our house right now, we are seriously thinking about our future in dog breeding, we have been in the 'game' now for 4 years but it doesn't any less stressful or easier. It is also very unpredictable & cannot be a regular source of income which we need. I therefore need to do something else- decisions decisions!

Anyway back to my diet & exercise, I really want to get under 200lbs soon, I must be about 8-10lbs over & that is my initial goal but I want it now! I am going to try to move much more, kids are back to school next week so I will get back on the school runs. I will try to push myself to do a bit more each day but to be honest that is usually enough to wear me out (with all my busyness that goes on in my day) I just need to get over that initial exhaustion.

Anyway, enough for now, I will update soon, Milly

Feeling better

I seem to be getting on a bit better, my cup is half full again. I think it is a result of getting out & about & getting some perspective on my life. I am mainly a cup half full person, I just sometimes find that when everything gets a bit much I become despondent. This is often linked to pmt. I get low & think I need prozac, that was only 2 days ago & I know I definately don't need prozac today, just to learn to go with the flow more & not panic when things are a bit tough.

Food wise things have been ok. It is my alcohol that has taken me over. I am by no means a big drinker but hubby has had a week off so we have drank wine more frequently than usual. We ended up at a friends last night & had a lovely time, there were lots of other people there & all went well until the takeaway arrived, the outcome ended up good but it was my willpower as people would not take no for an answer. I kept saying, No thanks, I've had a meal & I'm not hungry & I am trying to cut down. IT WAS RELENTLESS!!!! They kept trying to tempt me, in the end I felt rude. Why do people do that? I didn't need to eat, didn't want to eat but they would not leave me alone. I got through it in the end & didn't eat. I am a bit of a people pleaser but I am so proud that I would not back down & eat something just to make them feel better. There is also a side to me that has thoughts like 'I am sure these people comment about how much weight I have gained' (a few of them anyway) I am definately the biggest of all my friends & that never seems to matter to those real close mates I have, they see my struggles & know that I am not just a lazy cow who scoffs all day. (I think that is how I think others see me sometimes) Anyway, these people were not being thoughtful to my efforts, quite the opposite.

Well tomorrow I need to quit the wine for the week, I may have a bit of success then. I am really happy to go slow, 1lb a week would do me if it was consistent & reflected my effort. I cannot sustain the really good all the time but I can be good 80% of the time & still lose slowly if I keep busy too. This is the time in my cycle when I struggle the most & often regain what I have lost in the first half of my month. I would love to exercise my backside of but this just does not fit in with my busy family life. I can devote sometime to myself & exercise but not masses, that would be selfish, there is just too much to do in our home on a daily basis for either of us to be that focused on ourselves at this stage in our life. This stage will pass though, my toddler will go to school, my eldest will hopefully go to uni(or start pulling his weight lol) I used to get up & swim early & that worked for a while until I got exhausted, something had to give & swimming had to go. I will hopefully try that again sometime. I am a bit of my own worst enemy when it comes to swimming though, I cannot take it steady, I used to swim competitively in my early teens & I am always pushing myself to improve, never just take it steady. I cannot bear to swim slowly! I still need to try running but at the moment daily life exhausts me, I just need to up the ante & get past that first push without collapsing in a heap!!!

Anyway Adios blogland, I'll be back!

Struggling again!

Oh what to do with me! I think I am reacting to stress! We have alot on at the moment. We have a lovely litter of pups who are about ready to go & I always hate this time as I stress about the homes they are going to & I dread that I will be suckered in & one of our beautiful pups will end up on a puppy farm. I am happy with the 2 that have homes already, their new owners seemed great & just what I would want but their are still 4 to go & I need to chill!

I am also stressed because we thought we were expecting another litter in 2 weeks but she is not looking pregnant at all, it is her 1st time so we have no history to go on. If this is this case I am going to have to look for a job. I gave up my job as SCBU nurse last August as it was just too much working with 5 kids. I had struggled for a while (since 2004 when I became hypothyroid) Financially I need an income just don't know what to do! I don't really want to go back to scbu as the intensive care side was very stressful & the long hrs wore me out & I would rather stay home with my little one, however I may not have a choice. I have so much going on in my head!!! We have also retired our little dog from breeding as she has some allergy issues that are as yet not fully resolved. I can see us ending up with just the one breeding girl & she won't be having anymore pups until next summer. I wouldn't get anymore dogs as they live in the house with us & I won't compromise on that & we do not have enough space for anymore.

Anyway, the result of this is that I couldn't be less motivated, I am shattered, achy & mardy(think totm is about a week away so that would explain the mardy bit.) I really need to get my mojo back & soon, we have a holiday booked in 12 weeks & I really can't go looking like this!!! I made the mistake of trying some leggings on in Next today, wow those mirrors are cruel! Needless to say I didn't buy them, it was a bit of a wake up call for me though as I didn't realise my legs had got so chunky. Sometimes a bad experience like that can really motivate me, not today though-although at this point I am still sticking to my ww points. Hubby is taking me to the pub for tea though & I really need to chose carefully & drink my bodyweight in wine!

Anyway I must go, I apologise for my moans again, I do like to get all this written down as it seems to straighten out lots in head, I think there is only Lesley ever reads it though! So thanks Lesley, you know I always appreciate you wisdom.

Adios blogland.

Oh yes, on a positive note, I only gained 1/2 at ww last night, easter didn't do too much damage!